I’ve had this topic sort of bumping around in my brain for a while, and I think it’s finally time to talk about it.
Obviously becoming a parent is a huge responsibility, but that’s not what I’m talking about when I say burden. The burden of parenting is not the responsibility that comes with becoming a parent. The burden of parenting is the burden of parenting yourself.
Along with postpartum comes all kinds of banal horror. The things that a lot of parents (mostly women) don’t talk about: nipples that are cracked and bleeding, recovering from countless labial stitches, loss of sensation or scar tissue, babies who bite your nipples, bleeding after giving birth that lasts 6 (give or take) weeks, pelvic floor dysfunction… just to name a few.
It’s not uncommon to meet women who, years after giving birth, still suffer from incontinence. It’s not terribly uncommon, and the answer is usually to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist. (I see one, and she’s great. Ottawa folks, Bloom Integrative Health is just a great clinic.) Which sounds really easy to do, but in my experience, going anywhere postpartum is a real task.
I remember going to physiotherapy with an 8 week old baby. Not only did I have to talk about my birth experience again (which I was not convinced was traumatic, I only cried every time I talked about it for months because everything was totally fine), but I had to bring my baby with me. By then, my husband was back to work and I was responsible for child care, so I carted the baby seat in with me and hoped he didn’t cry for the whole appointment. He didn’t, but the amount of anxiety I felt about going out (during the covid pandemic) with a baby, who might need to be fed, who might cry for a long time, was nearly enough to keep me at home. Ultimately, I’m so glad I went to that appointment because it was nice to feel cared for.
The solution to some of the banal horrors is simply time. Lochia will end, babies don’t breastfeed forever*,
and nipple cracks will heal. For the solution to others, you may need some help along the way. And that help may come in the form of an appointment at 3:15 pm on a Wednesday afternoon that you need to travel to, hoping that your baby might sleep at that time and that the place you’re going is baby-friendly.
This is the burden of mothering. It’s remembering to take care of yourself (or let others take care of YOU), while balancing your own need to take care of your baby. It feels like another obligation on a never-ending to-do list where you are not the priority, and there’s no time for it.
But we need to make the time. It can feel insurmountable to carve out an hour or two to take care of yourself and your own needs, but it’s crucial to your well-being. Let your village** care for you.
**Even if the village is people that you pay to care for you. It counts.
