I know now that I’m not a lemon. But I think I still need to talk about how bad things got, and how quickly after I gave birth.
In the early, delirious, sleep-deprived days, there was still some joy. We were overwhelmed and scared, but there were a lot of laughs about things like poo fountains, or the time my partner put our baby in the bathtub WITH the towel we were going to use to dry him. But those moments of levity came further and further apart.
One thing that was really unhelpful were comments that felt like criticisms. I’m sure they weren’t meant that way, but in my brain, they took root and caused me to second-guess my instincts. “You should baby wear”…but “don’t baby wear all the time”… “hold your baby, it’s good for bonding”….”but don’t develop bad habits.” (NB: Bad habits don’t exist when your baby is a newborn. There is literally no such thing as a bad habit in the fourth trimester, except for practices that are UNSAFE for you or your baby.) Sometimes I wasn’t even sure what the offered “advice” was supposed to mean or how it was supposed to help me! But i was too tired and overwhelmed to be able to think critically about it.
That self-doubt gave way to feeling really inadequate, and eventually into feeling like an actual failure at being a human parent.
People single parent all the time. Why the fuck am I so bad at this?
Why is my baby crying again?
For the love of god, just go the fuck to sleep, baby!
What am I even doing?
Am I cut out for this?
My child deserves a better mom.
How did our species survive? Babies are so bad at living.
I’m sympathizing with people who left their babies in the woods.
People do this without paid parental leave. Without grandparents nearby. Without other people. Why can’t I, with all of the advantages I have?
I have it so good. Why is this so hard for me?
What is wrong with me?
It turns out, nothing is wrong with me, and I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I’m a great mom. My baby is fed, cared for, clothed, given opportunities for learning, loved, and thriving.
Something was kind of wrong, but it wasn’t something that I could control. It turns out that after you give birth, there are massive hormone shifts that can affect mood. For many women, the “baby blues” hit in the first week postpartum, and last for a few days.
For me, the baby blues just never went away. I was crying every day, sometimes many times. I wasn’t sleeping. (Not sleeping is also not great for your mood. In case you didn’t know.)
The internal dialogue in my brain got darker and darker, and less and less kind to myself.
My child deserves a better mom.
Saying it now brings tears to my eyes. I thought it was true at the time, though.
Why is this so hard for me?
Because my brain was fully bought into lies about me and my abilities. My ability to parent, my ability to cope, my ability to adapt. We were able to resolve my son’s feeding issues fairly quickly, and he began to gain weight. He was growing at a healthy rate, but my mental state about his health didn’t improve at all. Within 5 weeks of giving birth, I was convinced that becoming a parent was a huge mistake and I was terrible at it.
I knew that I needed help, but I didn’t really know where to turn. Unhelpful advice was offered like “You should set a goal for each day!” How are you supposed to have goals when your only thought is to survive the day?
During some late-night googling, I found a lifeline: Postpartum Support International. They offer FREE online support groups. I signed up for one and attended from my baby’s semi-lit nursery while I tried to get him to sleep (seriously, why is it so hard?).
Talking with other women struggling with the same things as me was invaluable. Not only did I realize I was not alone, I realized that the problem wasn’t with me. If the problem was me, why were so many people saying things that could have been extracted directly from my brain? Another thing became abundantly clear: I needed more support. So I sent off a note to my doctor.
